'I always wanted to have children. The earth might be in trouble, overpopulated, descending into ecological crisis, but I was always sure my kids would help make the world a better place. I would be a green-feminist super-mum, having it all. Nothing turned out the way I expected'. Like many women, Sian Prior arrived at the point where she was ready to start having babies--and found they were not hers to have. Three miscarriages with a supportive partner; a new partner who already had all the children he wanted; step-children; step-grandchildren; the decision to parent solo, followed by many rounds of fertility treatments. After all this Sian found herself, at fifty, childless and coming to terms. Weighing up the freedoms against the losses. Dealing with the unacknowledged legacy of her own lost father. Observing parenthood itself--how we succeed at it and how we fail--from a perspective outside the trenches.